I needed that....

This morning I taught a dance class. A friend has put together a twice-a-week dance class for advanced dancers in Utah county. A lovely woman has generously offered the use of her studio free of charge, which means twice I week I get to dance for free.

Did I mention that it's only ten minutes away from where I live?

Awesome.

Those involved will rotate--taking turns to teach a class. We will have both contemporary/modern and ballet classes. Today was our first class. It was great to teach and dance with people that I've grown to love over the past seven or so years. It was great to reconnect. To meet new people. And it was awesome not to worry about grading, taking attendance, or teacher evaluations.

But every more amazing was the reminder of how it feels to dance. I love the kinesthetic sensation of movement. I love connecting to spatial pulls, feeling bigger than my body, and learning the supportive powers when gravity is danced with in the right way.

I love momentum.
Carving out space.
Shaping my body.
Breathing with intent.
Shifting my weight.
Discovering nuance.
Feeling connected.

I love the community that comes from dance. I'm always amazed at the friendships that I have because of this beautiful thing I am able to do. I am looking forward to this bi-weekly outlet, and so grateful to Tom who is so supportive while I leave for a few hours to do something that really is just for me.

You're doing great. Really.

I've always had something of an ego problem. I mean, I never thought I was better than anyone else, or cooler, or smarter, or more talented. I mean, I knew plenty of amazing people who were clearly more cool, smart, talented, beautiful, etc. I definitely don't think I've ever struggled with an "I'm better than you" mentality. But I also never really struggled with a "I suck" problem either. I feel like I've had a pretty healthy dose of feeling good about what I was able to do. When I put my mind to something, I usually saw results. I always got good grades, did my homework on time, explored my talents, etc. 

So maybe it's not so much that I had an ego problem. I really just had a healthy self esteem.

Then I became a mom.

Motherhood has been one of the most amazing, humbling, awe-inspiring, joyful experience of my life. It's also been the most challenging, draining, and tiring. And for probably the first time in my life, I often get feelings of "I'm just not cut out for this." And I have to be honest, it's a new thing for me.

Do get me wrong. There are plenty (PLENTY) of things I'm not cut out for. I can't sew to save my life (seriously). I am not particularly athletic. I'm not crafty. I'm not a lot of things. But here's the thing: I don't really care that I can't sew, pass a football, or throw the most amazing dinner party. But being a mom is something I do care about. It's something I've poured my heart and soul into. It's something I worry about every. single. day. It's something I desperately want to be good at.

Now let's just get this out of the way: I know I'm doing my best. And I know that all moms feel this way at some time or the other. (Well, most moms. I know there's a rare few that just fit perfectly into mommy mode, but they are weird.) I don't think I'm going to screw my kid up anymore than the next person.

I am just basking in this feeling of self-doubt in hopes of learning something new. And in fact, for so many reasons, these feelings of insecurity, worry, and fear about not living up to some sort of ideal have been an amazing teacher:

I have learned compassion--not only for myself, but for all parents. This includes many parents that I used to quietly roll my eyes at when they were doing something different than I would. Now when I see a parent struggling with a spirited child, instead of judging I want to reach out and hug them.

I have learned forgiveness...for others and for myself. Those days when I don't live up to my ideals, I've learned to let go and remember that children are resilient and so am I.

I'm learning patience. I'm learning that this amazing little person I am watching over is just that: a person. She has her own feelings, her own hopes and dreams (even if for now it's just to climb on the counters), and her own will. I can't control her. All I can do is teach her, hope for her, and pray for her.

I'm learning that I am stronger and more capable than I once thought. Isn't it amazing how we can learn about our strengths through our weaknesses? I'm also learning that the more time I spend on my knees, the stronger I truly am.

Mostly I am reminded that we are not alone. We are not meant to do this life on our own. We must trust our family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord to give us support when we need it most. This is why I honor the struggles I have, because ultimately they shape the person I was meant to be.

So when it comes down to it, I know I can do this job. And I'm realizing that it's not about doing it perfectly. It's not about coming out "on top." It's about humility, hope, and love. After all, we do not have to be perfect in this life. We just have to know where to place our heart.

The Write Stuff

Source

Once upon a time I used to write a lot. I would write reports for school. I would write little "books" for my friends. I would make up stories, journal daily, and even throw a poem in the mix every now and then. I even wrote a thesis once upon a time--a nice long piece of work that supposedly represented several years of schooling and study. It's published in a library. It even gets checked out from time to time (only by graduate students who are supposed to look at former stuff, but whatever...)

The writing didn't stop when I graduated (yes, I had to graduate several times before I was "done" being a student. Slow learner.) I was expected to write for my career. In fact, one semester I joined a faculty writing group where I wrote every. single. day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't claim to be anything of a profound or "great" writer. I don't plan on having a novel published, or being recognized for my prose. I inherited my mother's bad spelling, and I often neglect grammar on purpose. (So there, Ms. Chavez! Just kidding, you were my favorite English teacher.) But I love what writing offers: It offers an opportunity to do that one thing that separates us humans from the rest of the animal world--reflective self thought. Writing allows us to dip into our imagination, create something that wasn't there, and make sense of our own reality (sometimes through creating a completely new reality).

So with this in mind, I'm going to try and write more. Every day, in fact. (But I'm not going to feel guilty when I inevitably miss a day or get sidetracked completely. If there is one thing motherhood has taught me it's to be more forgiving of myself and others.) I can't guarantee anything witty, profound, or even entertaining. But then again I'm not forcing anyone to read this, so you get what you pay for. But I do hope that this little exercise will help me feel that creative gap and reconnect me to something that I've grown to love over the years.

Write on, right on.

Five Questions

Here are five questions that my very cool friend Kendahl asked me. And for the record, she really is cool. I'm not making that up.


1. What are your top 5 books of all time?
Sadly, I'm not reading as much I would like to right now, but there are a few books that I absolutely love and that have changed me in one way or another.

In no particular order:

My Name is Asher Lev (Chaim Potok): This book was an immediate favorite the first time I read it my senior year of high school. Since then I've read it a few times on my own, have been required to read it for other classes during college, and simply love love love it. For anyone who hasn't read it, DO!

Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen): I know! It's so girly.... but a good friend of mine who was moving away gave me a copy of this book (also during my senior year of high school) and wrote this on the inside cover:

"Robin, This book came to my mind the instant I thought about what to get you. You remind me so much of Elizabeth. Not really the party of you that you show most of the time, but the part that you keep hidden. See you again. Love, Cade."

So with an introduction like that I was immediately drawn into the characters of this book. I have read it several times, and it just has a lot of great memories for me.

Les Miserables (Victor Hugo): This book, despite it's length (I read the unabridged one) absolutely consumed me for five days. Any free moment I had I was reading... I love it. It's beautiful, captivating, and reminds of the good that really is inside of people.

Making Connections: Total Integration Through Bartenieff Fundamentals (Peggy Hackney): Okay, so this is a nerd text book, but I love it. I have read it over 8 times and would recommend it to anyone who wants to feel more "at home" within their body. And I must say, knowing the author personally makes me love this book even more because she is an absolutely amazing human being and lives what she writes about so beautifully.

The Book of Mormon: So this may be an obvious (and possibly cliche') choice, but no other book as touched and shaped my life the way this book has.


2. Is there any appendage of your body that is evil?
Kendahl, I have no idea what you are talking about. My hand is not evil. (shhhh...Peyt, not now.) I mean, so my hand tried to (did) kill a few (many) people once (Peyt, later....); does that mean it's evil? (What Peyt? Yes, Kendahl, I know... later, Peyt.) Sheesh, your hand becomes it's own identity and tries to suck the life and soul of innocent people and everyone is on your case. (Attack, Peyt, NOW!)


3. If you had to be in fairy tale, what character would you be?
I'm not sure why this question is so hard for me. I really like the idea of being a princess (because, after all, every girl is a princess), but somehow those fairy tales aren't very appealing to me. I guess I'd choose Belle (from the Disney Version) of Beauty and the Beast. She had a mind of her own, grew personally during the course of the story, saw beauty in something not socially acceptable, and still was able to live happily ever after without having to be "saved" by some prince while she stood around helpless asleep, poisoned, or trapped in a tower somewhere.


4. What is the best Modern piece you've ever seen (live or not)?
I've seen a lot of dance in my life--some good, some.... less than. But one dance that really touched me was a duet that I saw at the U of U Graduate Concert my first year of graduate school. It was performed by Pam and Eric Handman (both faculty members at the U) and it was Choreographed by David Dorfman (who, for the record, is the one person I would drop everyone in my life to go to NYC for the chance to perform with his company). The piece is called "Approaching No Calm" and this quote written about the work says a lot about it:
"Man and woman are equally athletic, equally subtle, equally vulnerable ... you follow them as if they were heroes of a story whose outcome you burn to know, even while you divine that there is no outcome." - Deborah Jowitt, The Village Voice
I went to the concert with my mom and after the dance she turned to me and said, "That is the way a marriage should be." It is a stunning piece of work that actually made me cry (which rarely happens). It was also a memorable experience because while I was sitting my in chair I could tell that the entire audience was experience something amazing together. We were all changed.

5. Name your 3 best qualities. (Not a question, AND I stole it from someone else, but still, list them.)
* I'm a lot of fun (some may insert the word "crazy")
* I am freakishly organized
* I get along well with pretty much everyone (except my hand every now and then).


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1. Leave me a comment saying, "I too am an egomaniac."
2. I'll respond by asking you up to five questions. You will answer them, because you like talking about yourself.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.