You're doing great. Really.

I've always had something of an ego problem. I mean, I never thought I was better than anyone else, or cooler, or smarter, or more talented. I mean, I knew plenty of amazing people who were clearly more cool, smart, talented, beautiful, etc. I definitely don't think I've ever struggled with an "I'm better than you" mentality. But I also never really struggled with a "I suck" problem either. I feel like I've had a pretty healthy dose of feeling good about what I was able to do. When I put my mind to something, I usually saw results. I always got good grades, did my homework on time, explored my talents, etc. 

So maybe it's not so much that I had an ego problem. I really just had a healthy self esteem.

Then I became a mom.

Motherhood has been one of the most amazing, humbling, awe-inspiring, joyful experience of my life. It's also been the most challenging, draining, and tiring. And for probably the first time in my life, I often get feelings of "I'm just not cut out for this." And I have to be honest, it's a new thing for me.

Do get me wrong. There are plenty (PLENTY) of things I'm not cut out for. I can't sew to save my life (seriously). I am not particularly athletic. I'm not crafty. I'm not a lot of things. But here's the thing: I don't really care that I can't sew, pass a football, or throw the most amazing dinner party. But being a mom is something I do care about. It's something I've poured my heart and soul into. It's something I worry about every. single. day. It's something I desperately want to be good at.

Now let's just get this out of the way: I know I'm doing my best. And I know that all moms feel this way at some time or the other. (Well, most moms. I know there's a rare few that just fit perfectly into mommy mode, but they are weird.) I don't think I'm going to screw my kid up anymore than the next person.

I am just basking in this feeling of self-doubt in hopes of learning something new. And in fact, for so many reasons, these feelings of insecurity, worry, and fear about not living up to some sort of ideal have been an amazing teacher:

I have learned compassion--not only for myself, but for all parents. This includes many parents that I used to quietly roll my eyes at when they were doing something different than I would. Now when I see a parent struggling with a spirited child, instead of judging I want to reach out and hug them.

I have learned forgiveness...for others and for myself. Those days when I don't live up to my ideals, I've learned to let go and remember that children are resilient and so am I.

I'm learning patience. I'm learning that this amazing little person I am watching over is just that: a person. She has her own feelings, her own hopes and dreams (even if for now it's just to climb on the counters), and her own will. I can't control her. All I can do is teach her, hope for her, and pray for her.

I'm learning that I am stronger and more capable than I once thought. Isn't it amazing how we can learn about our strengths through our weaknesses? I'm also learning that the more time I spend on my knees, the stronger I truly am.

Mostly I am reminded that we are not alone. We are not meant to do this life on our own. We must trust our family, friends, neighbors, and the Lord to give us support when we need it most. This is why I honor the struggles I have, because ultimately they shape the person I was meant to be.

So when it comes down to it, I know I can do this job. And I'm realizing that it's not about doing it perfectly. It's not about coming out "on top." It's about humility, hope, and love. After all, we do not have to be perfect in this life. We just have to know where to place our heart.