unsettled

Not many people even know this blog of mine exists, which I'm okay with. But perhaps the few (one or two) people that do read this might have some pearls of wisdom. If not, sometimes it just helps getting things out of my clouded brain (hee hee... brain cloud) and into the big world of 1's and 0's.

So I just watched American Idol for the first time this year. It was their big "Idol gives back" show. After two hours of packed celebrities, entertainment, and many clips of poverty around the world, I felt myself overwhelmed by some of the clips shown. Now, I'd like to think that I'm aware of life and situations. I know that life is anything but fair and that so many people live lives so much worse than my own. Anytime I see something like this, however, I get caught up in my feelings of wanting to help, but feeling simultaneously so limited. I'm not asking myself to solve the world's problems (I'm way too much of a realist for that), but I feel that I have been so blessed, given so much, and capable of doing so much that I often wonder what I'm doing with my time.

I've been stressed about some financial situations in my own life--nothing earth shattering by any means, but enough to make me wonder if a two-week trip I have had planned for the summer is really a smart idea. In terms of my job, opportunities, and all that jazz it would be a great experience. In fact, I've been encourage by certain people who I work with to go. I keep telling myself that I should go, and I know I'd have an amazing experience going. But there is something in the back of my mind that just keeps me a bit unsettled. And this unsettled feelings carries two very distinct and different points. The first point (the reality check) tells me that I shouldn't go because 1) I don't really have the money to do so and 2) I don't want to have to ask for two weeks off of a job that I already feel bad about starting just to quit once school starts again in the fall. The second point is that I feel I can use that time and money toward something so much more meaningful and useful to the world. The only problem is that I have no idea what that would be.

Anyway, if anyone out there has any words of wisdom, I'd love to hear it. I have to send in my money to this workshop within the next two weeks. I'd like to be able to feel good about whatever decision I make; knowing that it is ultimately just that: my decision. (Sometime I hate this whole free agency thing.) :)